It had been brewing for years, but this year’s annual WCHS Pi Day celebration was the final straw. Even as Mu Alpha Theta, the WCHS mathematics honor society, sought to cultivate a school environment that loves math unconditionally, it became clear that it was a doomed mission from the start. 

The consequences have finally begun to rain down: in a bombshell announcement, the WCHS math department, led by head Matove Hil, announced that starting this coming Monday, all WCHS math teachers will be resigning from their positions. 

“We never wanted it to go this far,” Hil said. “I love math, and I love teaching, but the blatant refusal students have been showing to learn math has made me question what I am doing with my life. This is officially my mid-life crisis.”

It has not been just the teachers that have noticed the discouraging lack of interest the WCHS community has been showing in pursuing math; even among students, the whispers of discontent had become a rising crescendo. 

“I’ve seen it coming for a long time,” WCHS senior Walter Brian said. “I have time and time again noticed a mind-boggling disrespect WCHS students have for math classes and teachers. Everyone just openly likes the humanities more, because they really are just better! I’m not surprised that it’s finally come to this kind of drastic choice.”

What exactly have students been doing? Examples are limitless, ranging from relatively minute offenses to large-scale transgressions. On the lower end ranks a consistent refusal to do homework and a tireless dedication to finding new ways to cheat. On the drastic end, actions like March’s “STOP THE MATH” student walkout has demonstrated just how strong the anti-math movement had gotten.

“When I first heard about the ‘STOP THE MATH’ protest being planned, I had no intention of joining in,” WCHS junior Leah Cim said. “But then my math teacher decided to assign us a quiz and a unit test in one week on things they had not even taught us yet! I decided that enough was enough, and that’s why I walked out.”

In their defense, teachers have heard these concerns and have been deliberating the best way to appropriately respond. Over the past few months, the math department repeatedly reported agonizing over this dilemma. However, when faced with the overwhelming task of having to balance student outrage with their professional responsibilities, they soon reached their limits. 

“For our teachers, Pi Day was what undeniably told us that no, there was nothing we could do,” Hil said. “We helped plan this joyous celebration of math, but all students did was try to bargain with us for more slices of pizza and complain about the limited variety of pies. We were flabbergasted. Is this really what this generation has come to?”

Thus, having finally had enough of being called out-of-touch boomers, cold-hearted jail keepers or just simply monsters, the WCHS math department came to the collective decision to simultaneously resign. Although usually a difficult choice to make, many reported that theirs did not require much thought after all. 

“Good riddance to the lot of them,” Hil said. “They’ll all regret it one day, even if they don’t know it now. I just know that my colleagues and I are all looking forward to a pleasant, long-lived, well-funded retirement. We are currently discussing going on a global math scavenger hunt, absolutely no children allowed.”