MCPS has always pushed the envelope—advocating for better education, more diversity and higher standards for students—and now they are expanding their budget to spend $123,456,789 on microchips. At the beginning of the school year it was the norm to see students walking with a lanyard lest they risk punishment from a teacher, but not anymore. Through the collective power of students ignoring the ID policy, it has become obsolete.
“At the beginning of the school year, everything was locked down so tight that when I lost my ID, I started sleeping in the boys’ locker room so security could not catch me trying to get into the school,” WCHS super-duper-pooper senior Noah Lott said. “It was like blood in the water when teachers started to fold. There was this crazy moment when everyone realized that nobody was taking the ID policy seriously. That was when I could finally go home and stop showering with sink water and hand sanitizer.”
Lott interpreted MCPS spending $987,654,321 on lanyards and IDs for every student in the county in an attempt to increase security as MCPS showing their whole hand, especially after all the money MCPS lost due to mishandling, but he could not have been more wrong.
“This past year has only highlighted that MCPS has been too relaxed,” MCPS ID Policy Manager-Liaison-Secretary-Officer-Enforcer Mae Day said. “There has been such flagrant disregard of ID policy in every school so the MCPS Board of Education (BOE) has been forced into a corner on this issue. All the millions of dollars gone missing from the budget earlier this year were absolutely not at all connected to our pre-orders of microchips and implantation devices.”
Even amid ID policies failure at schools, MCPS tried to persevere but to no avail. It became glaringly obvious that the first phase of ID policy had failed in mid-February when a BCC student was discovered sneaking onto WCHS grounds with a fake ID for the purposes of “investigative journalism.”
“I was trying to find the hidden bunker that they stuff seniors in after graduation,” BCC junior Studious Studentson said. “I was tipped off by a member of the Observer staff, but I have not heard from him in a month. Investigating his disappearance was a matter of life or death.”
After being caught, Studentson attempted to perform a citizen’s arrest on Principal Taylor for his alleged involvement in this issue and was swiftly escorted off school grounds by security. For MCPS, this incident highlighted the importance of enforcing ID policy through any means necessary to prevent future disturbances of the peace.
“Microchipping is not as extreme as some of our constituencies might fear,” Dae said. “It is actually a fairly common practice, and I personally took inspiration from how the North Korean juvenile delinquency education programme implemented similar changes to their security system.”
The MCPS BOE has declined any interviews on this new policy, but students should rest assured that their safety is the top priority for the BOE.
