I’m glad to see that you have flipped to my cozy new nook of this glorious publication. Now allow me to introduce myself. I am: 5’10’’, I ooze a pungent scent of good looking, enjoy a nice lemon segment with my iced tea, and am the new columnist.

As this long, strenuous and supremely scandalous school year nears its long awaited end, I’ve come to observe overwhelming sweeping changes across all CHS community. Second semester seniors are done, juniors are becoming the big men on campus and freshmen are getting a feel for their place, but where does that leave me, a second semester sophomore?

The change seems to all be sprouting from the second semester seniors, whose apathetic approach towards school has allowed me to notice a couple of things. These lucky students are able to do absolutely nothing now that they are moving on to greener pastures. They have earned the right to arrive in the morning in full pajama attire coupled with hair that appears to have been mauled by a small mammal or to splurge on a large soda cup at lunch just to announce to everyone in their remaining afternoon periods that they had a serious jonesing for “Panda Express.”

Juniors are almost done with their dreadful year of SATs, ACTs, federal lawsuits and college visits and can now await their much anticipated final year of high school. It’s almost time for these few remaining Blue Ribbon students to take on the large-sized soda cup world that is senior year. Upon completing final exams and receiving fourth quarter grades, a carefree, possibly regretful, and fun summer with various estranged misadventures surely awaits.

Freshmen, don’t think I didn’t notice the new skip in your step as you now have now clocked the fastest route to room 216 and mastered the fine art of grade haggling, as the beautiful world of sophomore year is finally approaching. As weekdays become more suited for naptime and weekends become more eventful, your upcoming last year as an underclassman is the perfect opportunity to make terrible mistakes in and out of school.

Now that leaves me and my solemn comrades as we approach the end to a great year with, as far as I have observed, not much to look forward to after the upcoming two months of summer gloriousness. I feel my conscious subtly telling me to sleep less in my morning and afternoon classes take harder courses, delve into the dark world of college applications, and maybe even make fewer late night BK runs. Priding myself on zoning out five days a week for maximum weekend potential does not seem as fulfilling as it once was.

However, I have the obvious solution to combating the second semester sophomore slump: Iowa. Escape to Iowa as the summer dwindles to an end and sharecrop a corn farm with a nice family that has a young boy and a Golden Retriever, become a Northern Iowa basketball fan (Farookmanesh rains), and maybe even take a day trip to Des Moines to partake in a pre-election caucus.

Avoiding the depressing, forcibly maturing experience by means of westward voyage may not be the best idea for all, but rest assured. Whatever you must do, fellow sophomores, to avoid this depressing end to a great second year, do it. Just make sure to come back in a year’s time for the next second semester experience.