I always used to believe in karma, that if you were a good person, good things would happen to you. I lived my whole life according to this one philosophy, always trying to be a good person, good things would happen to you. I lived my whole life according to this one philosophy, always trying to be a nice, courteous fellow as well as a generally upstanding citizen in my community. But that was before I had my epiphany, before I realized that my entire way of life was a sham.
When has being a nice guy ever gotten me anywhere? Never. That’s why I would like to impart these words of wisdom on all of you naive underclassmen who are just tryna make it to heaven. Be a jerk. Don’t spend so much time worrying about the “consequences of your actions” or how you might “hurt people’s feelings.” If you are looking for personal happiness and a long, prosperous life, you need to think about what is best for you, not other people. Now, if you are truly interested in following this rewarding path, you need to shelve away any qualms that you have with committing acts of deception, backstabbing and arson.
I know what you are thinking. “Why is it necessary to use all these cruel methods for my own personal gain?” Because nice guys finish last, that’s why. Everyone knows this fact, yet few are willing to outwardly express it. In nearly every facet of life, one would be much better served by being a badass than a kind-hearted guy with good intentions. Let’s take a look at a few examples.

To start off, there is the obvious situation where being a “bad boy” would work to one’s advantage–getting girls. Let’s say there are two guys who are interested in a girl. The first guy, Charles, is a good kid whose heart is in the right place. In his spare time, Charles volunteers at the animal shelter and enjoys curling up in bed with a good Nora Roberts novel. What a great guy, right? Wrong. Girls aren’t interested in spineless pansies who save animals, they like guys who get their hands dirty. They are interested in Chad, Charles’s dark alter ego, who enjoys working out at Lifetime, riding a Harley and eating chumps like Charles (a good source of protein) for breakfast.

Now, before I continue, I would like to re-establish my credibility here in case you have any doubts about my advice-giving abilities. I am THE Editor-in-Chief of the Observer. ‘Nuff said.

Aside from wooing the ladies, jerks have a much better chance at being successful than their more compassionate counterparts. After all, why should you work hard when you can simply take advantage of some nice guy and pass his/her work off as your own? It just seems like a waste of effort, since you can achieve the same success whilst expending a minimal amount of energy on your part. Leeching off of these gentle human beings is a crucial life skill and is actually a good way of showing others how smart you really are. You are savvy enough to avoid the burden of labor, and you are wise enough to realize that you have better ways to use your brain power, such as thinking about how good-looking you are and simply basking in the glow of your own godliness.

Happiness comes in many forms. Some find it through leisure activities such as knitting and flying kites, while others find it in manipulating the people around them for their own benefit. From my own experiences, I can personally attest to the immense amount of gratification that one can attain by performing the latter. If you want to be a winner in the game of life, being a jerk is the way to go.