Potomac is a great place. Right outside of DC, plenty of stuff to do, a great time. But as a newcomer from the outside, I’ve noticed that in many respects this place could use some help. It needs some flare and excitement, something to lift it up out of the day-to-day cycle. And as a former resident of Hawaii and a couple other places, I have a couple ideas on how to fix Potomac. I will now present the “Top 5 Things People in Hawaii Do That People in Potomac Should Do Power Rankings,” sponsored by our friends at Dole Pineapple.

5. Go to the Beach After School

The joke’s on you because it would be incredibly inconvenient to try to go to the beach after school. This is more of a rub-it-in-your-face suggestion than anything else. By the time you (the CHS student) got to the beach it would be dark and cold and you’d have to go back home so you could get back to school on time the next day. But in Hawaii they can go to the beach after school. It’s fun and relaxing and makes everyone feel better about their lives. There’s sand and surf and sun, and it’s all a twenty-minute bus ride from good old Mililani High School. So work on that CHS. If you can make it happen everyone will be happier.

4. Aloha Friday

Aloha Friday is so much more than the mainland’s casual Fridays. It is a true expression of the joy of the conclusion of another week, the culmination of five days of hard work and effort. Classic Hawaiian Aloha Shirts boldly show off the spirit of the wearer, plastered with everything from palm trees to mid-1900s military planes. But regardless of their prints, Potomac would be a better place if every Friday all of its residents wore Aloha wear. It would change everything. (Shout out to Mr. Achille, an avid and dedicated Aloha Friday participant. So much respect.)

3. Don’t Have a Winter

This is another tough one. But I know its possible. Hawaii did it, so why can’t we? Before you come at me with some kind of meteorological APES gibberish, back off and seriously consider whether or not it’s worth it. I’m trying to make a point here and your endless College Board prescribed logic isn’t helping. It’s exactly the kind of thing that’s stopping us from getting rid of winter. But it looks like we’re on the right track anyways, with the past two winter’s we’ve had. Global warming? Probably.  The power of positive thinking? Oh yeah.

2. Relax

Yea it’s a little cliché. I didn’t really believe there would be that much difference in my daily life in Hawaii compared to my daily life on the mainland when I first stepped off the plane. And in many respects I was right. There’s school and the suburbs and weekend sports and everything you’d expect. But it’s really not hard to notice the differences between Hawaii and the mainland. Just go for a drive. Everyone’s in a little less of a hurry. Merging is a little bit easier. Try waiting at a green light. It’ll take a few seconds longer before you get a honk. While these situations obviously won’t hold universally true, there is a clear difference between driving on O’ahu and driving in DC—even though traffic rankings consistently have the monstrous Honolulu freeway system ranked above or just behind the Beltway. Hawaii is statistically one of the happiest states, so something must be working for them.

1. Eat SPAM

I don’t know what percentage of people around here consume the marvel of modern engineering that is SPAM on a regular basis, but I’m guessing its low. Like in the basement, dress-code adherence level low. It’s time to change that. You may not realize it, but you are are missing out on one of the most versatile and fascinating foods in the supermarket, an icon of American cuisine. Pan-fry it up and scramble it in eggs. Slice it up and mix it with rice. Eat it straight out of the can! I can guarantee that after trying it you will have a reaction. You might like it. Hawaii has a love affair with SPAM, ever since it was shipped there in massive numbers during World War II as a part of soldier and civilian rationings. Every McDonalds in the state serves the “meat,” at least for breakfast. (It stands for SPiced HAm, although Some Parts Are Meat and Specially Prepared Assorted Meats are probably accurate.)